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Monday, 9 November 2009

Don't let your boyfriend swear at you.

Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty, and I'll show you a man. (Erica Jong)

D. has been in a five-year relationship with her boyfriend, but in spite of apparently loving each other and living together things don’t work well. It seems it’s all due to his quick temper, which usually translates into him yelling at the top of his lungs and swearing at her without any good reason at all.

A fighting couple
Tables turned
(A fighting couple)
She tried counselling, serious talking and even breaking up with him, but none of these experiments helped. He keeps cutting up rough, if she doesn’t approach him carefully -- like when she puts him off playing video games. She’s reluctant to give up on this relationship yet, but can’t take it any longer, either, since it’s also aggravating her underlying depression. So what should she do?

I've seen a lot of similar cases (like a couple who broke up because he just wouldn't come unstuck from his video games), and it's all usually comes down to the lack of respect.
First of all, everyone gets as much respect as they demand. However much you love him, letting him yell at you means you don't respect yourself enough, but there's really no reason for that – convince yourself you don't deserve it.

The problem is that he takes you for granted, he isn't afraid to lose you, because you always forgive him and come back.

Try doing the following exercise: close your eyes and imagine your life without him, every working day — every weekend etc without him — and if it doesn't hurt, it would be probably a good idea to move on.

If you still don't want to split up with him, make him see you can give as good as you get, and, most importantly, make yourself less available. If a man snaps and cusses at you, he most likely considers you to be nothing more than a live sex doll.

Here are some steps you could take to fight your way out of the swamp.

Put on your glad rags and start going out with your friends more often;
IGNORE him the way he ignores you;
and concentrate on your interests and hobbies exactly the way he does on his games (I'm sure you have a lot of interests and can pick one to focus on).

If all this doesn't help, it means he doesn’t love you and you are most certainly wasting your time!
Anyway, be careful with yelling, eventually it might grow into physical abuse.

However, there's also another line to take into account: what really makes him yell? what makes him so angry?
Is there any underlying problem eating away at him, such as some inferiority complex (it's very common for such men to mistreat women), frustration etc? It could even be due to some kind of medical condition.
Probably he's crying out for help too.
Think about it.

After all, where there's love there's a way.

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